Therapy Session Blog: 1
It started with me telling her about the incidents of last few days.
She asked me about what I felt getting a text from her sister, and why it felt like a closure when she asked she can talk to her about calling you once?
I explained that I have always felt as the bad guy, as the evil person who destroyed her life. But witnessing kindness from her sister told me maybe that’s not true. Maybe I am not the most evil person alive on this planet. Maybe I am a normal person too.
Yes, it felt like a closure. And that also made me decide to quit smoking. Although there has been a few bumps on the road but I have promised myself to bring the daily count to zero by the end of this week. Because before all of this. Before this situation that had developed which made me feel like the worst person on this planet I didn’t used to smoke. I had only smoked a couple times that too after getting drunk. The first time I had smoked here, it was with her at DTR.
That Closure gave me the courage to go back to that normal self which i was before I was the worst person on this planet despised by every friend of her’s.
She asked what made you think this was the closure?
I told her, I denied her to talk to her sister about me. Which was opposite of what i would have wanted otherwise. For some reason those two words of kindness was enough.
I am past her. Yes, the hurt doesn’t goes away, but the pain that I was trying to inflict on myself from so many days, that desire has vanished. I don’t want to punish myself anymore.
We found out something new
She noticed that whenever I talk about a bad experience that must have made me feel very hurt, I laugh. I say it, with big smile on my face. She told me whether it be me talking about my brother or any death in the family, even when i am expressing my grief of this breakup, I laugh when I am talking about it.
I told her that it’s always been like this. Even when I used to tell her about my bad experience I used to keep a smiling face and I would laugh about stuff. I don’t really know why but I think it keeps me away from feeling the pain associated with those instances.
We talked this through for a while and I came to the conclusion that for a person who doesn’t cares about placement, doesn’t cares about almost anything in this life, how did she became so important that I was willing to do anything to just talk to her for once.
The answer was in plain sight. The things I wouldn’t feel she would feel for me.
She had become my medium to feel things.
It was like If someone waved at me and I didn’t acknowledge, she would let me know. If I didn’t get a shortlist, I would feel nothing, but she would feel that for me. She would console me, she would meet me and talk to me about it. Which I had never experienced before so intensely.
All my life the feelings I had kept hidden even from the closest of the friends, I told her without one percent of hesitation. (I do regret it now, because now I don’t really know how much of it is secret anymore, because she shared a bunch of stuff with her friends which I would consider un-shareable. The most intimate and private stuff. She breached my trust. But I’m not angry about it. I just regret ever telling her the truth about myself. Ever sharing my real Identity with her. But then again, How could have I stopped myself. She was the most perfect human being on this planet, I wanted to have an honest relationship with her. I had to be honest with her.)
I did not use to process the emotions, my internal emotion management system doesn’t works. She had become my emotional processor. That is why it hurt so much.
I had lost a part of my mind. That is why it hurt so much. She was an integral part of my mind and now I don’t know how to process emotions like before, that is why even when i spill tea on my hand, I want to tell her, because she was the one who used to process my emotions.
No matter how big or small an event, I wouldn’t know how to feel about it. I used to wait for her reaction and then know my feelings.
And I had become so so so dependent that I had started hurting her. She didn’t deserve to be working for me taking off my load that too without knowing what was happening.
Now, I need to start processing my emotions myself. I need to let myself feel the things how they are supposed to. No changing mood by doing something else, no distractions. I need to sit for a while alone in silence and process my emotions, let myself feel the things the way they are supposed to, without altering them so much.
Once I do this, I will not feel the urge to call her, every-time I spill my tea, every-time I am late for class, every-time I do good at a presentation, every-time I see her someplace.
These are my emotions and I need to process them myself. I don’t need her to process these for me.
Once I start processing my emotions myself. I will never feel an urge to contact her.
Why Do I Seek External Motivation?
On the other extreme we finally found out why I require external motivation for everything. Why someone asking me politely to do something results in zero action from me.
Why I always say that, If only my father could have slapped me a couple of times when I was in 12th standard and had not given me the extreme freedom that he gave me, I would have been a software engineer at FaaNG. Probably graduated from IIT-B like Aashish and would have made my grandfather proud before he left this planet.
It’s because I know my potential and everyone around me ends up knowing that as well. What i lack is motivation. True internal motivation. I do everything I do just because I stumble upon them by luck. Even she was just luck.
But being with her changed a lot of things, Although she became part of the same pattern, an external motivation. But I am telling you, she was the greatest motivation I have had in this world. And why Anvesha had become that motivation is because she had became a missing part of my psyche.
Because she was able to process my emotions. She completed me, and being complete was what made me whole and motivation was a side effect of that,
Fear of my father was the external motivator that kept in check my whole childhood. But it never completed me. I was only motivated to do anything as long as that fear existed. But that fear had consumed my emotional processing capacity.
I was a protected child. Not allowed to play outside. Not allowed to do anything on my own. And when you are protected in that way, you are also protected from feeling things, they don’t want you to feel bad emotions. And that did happen in my childhood I was also protected from feelings, I was not allowed to process bad emotions.
That impaired my psyche and I had less motivation in my life. And my father’s fear had occupied that void. Once that fear was eliminated by our separation I lost the motivation to do anything in life. It was always the external things and my passion towards computers that I am where I am.
If I want to do anything in life, now I will have to accept my emotions and start processing them the way they are supposed to. That will make me whole and I will witness the motivation that I had been getting from outside.
I thank Anvesha for making me realize so many things about myself. Without this breakup I might never have found the actual thing that was wrong within me.
And now that I understand all of this. I promise to myself to work towards mending myself. And to give myself a future that I deserve.
How Do You Fix This?
- Keep the closure you felt in your mind (You will never smoke or harm yourself)
- Start processing your own emotions (You will lose the urge to contact her constantly)
- Let internal motivation develop, it will with time (You will stop missing her)
