Our TombStone: I Know Little Old

I was listening to this Ted talk “How to Get Over The End of a Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone” and i liked his approach/thoughts

He says everyone that recovers goes through same three steps. Some get stuck on some steps and some breeze through a few. I am also stuck. But I’ll get through. Following are those steps.

• You’re upset:

Of course It was upsetting. I felt like my whole world was taken from me, and that too by the person I trusted most in this world. With my life secrets, with my future vision, with my phone password, with my money and everything else.
I kind of breezed through this step. Didn’t take me too long to feel upset. Because I was not angry on her, I didn’t think that she was the reason. I didn’t feel she did anything wrong.
He says in his TedTalk to get past this step you need to know “Where does it hurt?” Well that’s the tricky part, haven’t really found it yet. Yet I am stuck on second step.

• You get bent out of shape:

He says this doesn’t applies to everyone and some gets past it with a breeze. But hell no! I got bent out of shape so so so fucking hard.
Yes, this ending did rock some deeper older Achilles heel. I just got stuck thinking how could I’ve been better. I have always been a good person to everyone around me. I used to take pride in that. And if someone I cared for so much, I loved so much thinks that I was not good to her. Then it did challenge all my beliefs. Maybe it was me that my father was upset. Maybe it was me that my brother died. Maybe it was me that Suman left me.
So many uglier feelings just surfaced.
I just couldn’t figure out why the relationship was ending. And then she did the mercy killing. She told me all the reason why it was me. The drunk cheating bastard who keeps her sisters photos in his phone.
And of course everything felt true.
Yep, I am stuck here. I feel vulnerable and broken.
He says to get past this step you need to get through the storm and find out “What do you really need?” And my answer is still I need her love back, I want to take care of her so much, I want to be good to her so much that nothing in this world will ever be enough for her.
Obviously he is talking about other more important existential stuff. But again I am still stuck is because I still say I want her and can’t spell out the actual stuff that I need.
It’s not about them its about me. I need to feel like I matter, I need that somebody has my back, that I am a priority, useful, worthy.
But I don’t know when I will understand this and get over step 2.

• Agner & Grief

Healthy assertion.
Grieve & Say Goodbye. Grieving is healthy

I haven’t grieved yet, and that is why I haven’t moved on.

The thing is I don’t grieve, grieving makes it final. I haven’t grieved my brothers loss, because then it means he is really gone.

All that people was not me grieving it was me being stuck on step 2, feeling shit.

He says put a little tombstone for everything, like we will never do this, never do that. Therefore I am putting a tombstone on this relationship. I haven’t yet starting grieving but I hope I will soon enough and If i don’t then I’ll probably just carry her like I carry my brother and it’s not that bad honestly.

Undeclared losses is what can get people stuck on this step.

He says What do you resent? What are you fighting for? What do you miss? What are the specific losses? Beyond this just follow and express healthy needs. Finish the feelings.

And then there’s this little chart.

And it’s like I can’t see her in a different light. I can’t see her as a villain. And that basically mean, even if I was in this last step. I would have never got past it. Because to forgive means, I will agree that she did something wrong, when she clearly did nothing wrong.

And again Time is part of all this after all, so let’s see what happens.