19th August 2023 2:50AM
Some kinds of flies (maybe locusts) are flying outside in a great number. I remember one day when you came to NC to meet me, we spent some time together. You wanted to go back but I held you for too long, and when we left there were all these flies everywhere. Your tropophobia was triggered by them. I was helpless and couldn’t do anything. I tried covering you and shielding you with my body and used my umbrella to get you to your hostel. On the slope we had to stop a few times and honestly those were some of my mortifying moments, that you had to suffer so much, just because I was selfish and couldn’t let you leave a little earlier. When we were near TMA Pai, I felt relieved, but I knew what had happened was going have a lasting impact. You might not like me the way you used to after this. When we reached your hostel, flies were everywhere near the gate and you somehow managed to get inside.
You didn’t look back you just went straight in. I don’t blame you for that, even I wanted you to disappear from this flyfest that was going around.
Then on my way back I said so many things to myself and warned myself that you are not allowed to hurt her even remotely. That was a day and today is one, I dropped you off my bike. I am ashamed of myself. I had the whole day planned. Even though we had broken up, I wanted to give you a good experience.
Yes, you were shouting at me and calling me names, but honestly, I don’t regret that a bit, At least I got to hear your voice and you were addressing me.
I want to tell you that no matter what happens in this world, I am there for you, and I’ll always be. Even in a million years. It might have been easy for you to just shut me off from your world but my whole identity, my whole world was you. I’ve learnt so much from you.
You remember one day in SC I was putting AMIT KUMAR TAPMI BKFS on my laptops backscreen and you told me, Amit, this doesn’t defines you, this is not you. I remember that I never tried identifying myself with these titles. I understood what you meant.
I remember the first few days of hours when you would sit besides me in SC and you would tell me about your past, I used to wonder she is so strong she has been through so much. If I can just take care of her now. Provide her with some love that she so much deserves.
I’ve failed you. I don’t know when I forgot all of that and started becoming this retch less person who couldn’t see your pain. Who couldn’t see that you loved me more, always. And that breaking up with me has hurt you more. It’s just that you can behave yourself and you can handle yourself. Like I said, you are a strong girl. I wish I had even a fraction of your strength.
I cannot ask you to get back with me, not with me being this flimsy boy, who has no strength nothing. But I do want to pray that when I am worthy of you, you be around to be judge of that.
I wish I had never deviated and been that caring loving boyfriend that I so desired to become. I wish we had had a small fight and had taken a break where I could have reflected on my treachery. And had refined myself & bettered myself. But now that it’s all lost there is no point in doing all this.
But I am still writing because I don’t want to disturb your process of getting over me (By again calling you or texting you). I cannot do that to you, after all of what you have done for me.
I will stay away from you; I promise you that. I will not hurt you anymore by my presence. I wish I could have understood this before. But even though I am late to this conclusion. I want to stay firm on it.
You deserve so much more, happiness and exciting experiences that I could never I provide, I wish you luck that you will find someone who would take care of you like I never could and would provide you with the experiences I never could.
Wish me luck as well, because from grievance to acceptance has taken a lot of time and an arduous road is still ahead. I hope I don’t waver and come across you in any way that disturbs you peace.
Although I do have a last wish to go on a dinner with you, after which I will hold you in my arms for a while and will part our ways with a soothing kiss on your forehead.
I do imagine this dinner several times, I never got that closure. I never got to say that I am accepting this breakup. You announced it and I had to just go along with it. I do wish we could have been a little civil about it. I know its not your fault you knew no better. You couldn’t handle my rage my pain and my grievance. It’s not your fault that I came to college with texts of a junior. It’s not your fault I had photos of your sister in my hidden folder. It’s not your fault that I had made you share your photos with me through google photos partner account.
I wish I had been more forgiving, more trustful, and more liberal about your actions outside of our relationship. I wish I had never made you feel like I am watching your every move.
I know how much it would have hurt you when I accused you of spending time with your friends and with going out with your colleagues. I know how much it must have hurt when I told you trashy stuff about that those boys from Bangalore. Why was I so insecure back then?
I wish I could answer that. Maybe it was just my loneliness toiling with me, or there is something mentally wrong with me. Don’t worry I am going to introspect this more, and if I come to any conclusion, I’ll write it down.
I wish I could answer that. Maybe it was just my loneliness toiling with me, or there is something mentally wrong with me. Don’t worry I am going to introspect this more, and if I come to any conclusion, I’ll write it down.
I wish I had never made you feel that I was desperate and obsessed with you. But that wouldn’t have been fair. I wanted to be as transparent as possible. I know our relationship started with few lies. But I know deep down our relationship was not based on those lies. What we had was pure and untainted. It’s just midway I realized that I want to spend my whole life with you and I can’t keep you in shadows. Even though there was no way in this world to know the truth about my past apart from what I had told you. Everyone would have confirmed the same names and same stories, but I told you anyways. Because I did trust you, Anvesha. If I hadn’t trusted you, I wouldn’t have told you that I am a virgin and that you were my first love. I know how hypocritical this statement is, but I did trust you eventually.
And now, that one love is gone. You are gone. All I say is meaningless.
I knew for a fact that maybe someday you might cheat, you are young and beautiful and there is a whole world out there that admires you wants to see you xxxx. But even after all of that you will come back to me. You will choose me over everything.
I was not wrong, I was just late in understanding. I wish I could have spent some more time with you, understood you more. I’ll always regret that the time I spend with you I focused less and less on knowing you. You are a beautiful soul, I wish someone’s see that.
