30th August 2023 1:33AM
Today was Onam, the day one year ago, I envisioned you as my wife. I had accepted so many things, like one child that too with surrogacy if you don’t want to do it yourself.
I thought you deserve that, I will take care of that child but you will be my real child forever. You were my bacha, my cutu, meri jaan. I thought whatever she will ask for I will put that at your feet. Because you loved me, I felt loved in my life for the first time with you.
Yes, my parents love me, my sisters love me, my brother loved me more. But we don’t show each other that often, therefore that love just stays between us and doesn’t manifests in actions that can connect us more. But with you, I felt loved, every moment, every hour, every day. I will never find that.
You were my satisfaction, after you, I didn’t need anything. All I needed was the resources to serve you at your best. I didn’t want you to compromise at anything. And this breakup hurts little less, when I think that I wasn’t the right person, and you not compromising was my wish itself.
Sometimes I feel happy that I will be able to tell myself that my wish came true, what else can I ask god. But I do want to ask god one thing, that if one day I change myself to the point that I become deserving of you, he could send you back. Maybe not as my love but at least as a friend whom I can serve still.
Serving you doesn’t makes me small, or inferior it just makes me your lover, a lover who couldn’t love anyone else beyond you, because no one could ever love me back the way you did. No one could ever be that beautiful as beautiful you were.
I wish to god, that one day, I would walk with you and you wont be looking down on me. And we will talk for a while and I will say goodbye and wont see you again. College is gonna end soon. I wish before we leave we could see each other once. I could say good bye to you.
I just wish to god that one day, you will see beyond my possessiveness and lust towards the love that I had for you. That unending love that still exists no matter how badly you hurt me. I know its not you who is hurting me, its my own love that exists within you. (I cant be sure though, because you moved on way earlier because you had decided to leave me very early, months before you uttered one word about it.)
I am sorry that you couldn’t open up to me and tell me your feelings. I created that environment where I punished you for even going out with people, and in such situation how could you mention that you want to leave me.
I wish that you could know that leaving is not the only solution if the person loves you back, because when someone loves you back they care about you and if you will talk to them, they will listen. Maybe not instantly but they will. Although I cant say the same. But that’s because your love ended long before you left me.
I wanted to know, to see, what did you wear today. Like did you wear the same saree. Or did you wear something else. Knowing beyond that would have hurt too much. Like where did you went and with whom.
In a way its good that we are so distant course wise that even if I tried to bump into you one day on coincidence, that isn’t happening.
But sometimes it hurts too, that there is no way in this world that I could meet you without calling you and fixing a date.
Anyways I wish you luck. I wish that you never see me again, never remember the hurts that I gave you and you get all the respect and love that I could never give you.
