When I Tried to Quit
had this feeling that going away from campus will fix everything. But everyone told me, No. You are a strong person you should not be running away from cahllenges, instead face them. In your life there will be so many challenges if you run away now, how will you face them then. Philosophically I agree with them to a degree. But I was not trying to run away. I was just trying to take a step back, that is to compose myself and be back with new energy and everything.
Well even my father agreed, I should demonstrate strength.
What had happened is that I had put in an application with the PGP Chair that I want to leave college for sixth term, I want to continue my education online or in any other way in which people with early placements will be continuing.
They were kind, they talked to me for hours understanding my situation. They encouraged me to take on new projects and guided me on how to face the challenges.
But the truth is, it registered inside me but that pain of mine doesn’t budges, doesn’t gives space to any other thoughts. They gave me two days of time to think about it. I went after two days to confirm that my decision is final. I want to leave campus. Then they asked me to call my parents and I can leave with them.
The thing is I spend a ton money, mostly uselessly but most of that spend happens on a fly. But if I get to make a big expense for no real tangible asset. I am unable to make that spend. My tickets back was just 7K which was quite affordable. But for father to arrive the next day, it would have costed 35K, which is a lot. Then add a second ticket back as well.
I told myself I can buy PS5 for that amount and spend my time gaming here in the campus itself. I told my father I am doing well. I am alright, nothing is wrong with me and convinced him not to come here to pick me up.
Although, I am not happy about this decision, but I needed that in my life. A decision in my life that harms me but was made by me. Because I am sick of other people making decisions that harm me.
I love that girl so much, I can’t be anry on her even for an hour straight, still she left me saw a demon in me. And I am unable to see that demon inside her yet. The day I start hating her all of my problems will be solved. Because for the moments in which I have hated her I have felt good. But I can always think of the reasons she might have done something, she is doing something and my anger just vanishes.
It’s like, I trust her to be a kind person who does good with herself and others. Who loves you with all of her might. Although the person she loves is someone else, but still keeps that image of hers inside me. It’s only if she will do something really evil that I will be able to shatter that image and that is not happening any time soon. She is just that good.
How in the world someone can not love her. Not adore he. Not die for her.
